Thursday, March 24, 2005

Suggested Product Liability Warning For My Daughters

Warning: The bottom of this boot could be the last thing you will ever see.

In light of the courts determining that a husband has the right to starve his wife to death in the case of Terri Schiavo, regardless of the wishes of her parents, I am trying to come up with a list of product liability warnings for my daughters, to give adequate notice to any potential spouses they might have in the future:

1) "Warning: starving this woman to death by removing her feeding tube, in the event that she should need one, may result in you needing one yourself, after her father beats you senseless."

2) "Warning: In the event that this woman's husband should seek to use his rights as a husband to kill, injure, or otherwise harm her, the father of this woman may seek to resolve the situation by making her a widow."

3) "Warning: If you starve this woman to death, you should earnestly pray that her father has first attained theosis (i.e. sanctity)."

4) "Warning: My daddy considers your esophagus to be a feeding tube, and if you remove mine, he may remove yours."

5) "Warning: Removing a feeding tube from this woman could result in your ending up on Al Jazeera, tearfully pleading to have the feeding tube reinserted."

Disclaimer: This post is intended to be humorous. Of course, I would hope that where I in the position of Terri's father, I would handle it in as Christian a way as he has. But the way I was raised would strongly tempt me to beat the snot out of Michael Schiavo... but again, I would hope that I could resist
that temptation. But product liability warnings do not warn you of what will necessarily happen, but just want *could* happen. I would hope that any future
sons-in-law that I might have would be at least uncertain enough that they would not have to test the question scientifically.